...maybe you can. Imagine the woman who takes her 8-year-old daughter to ballet class twice a week to erase the hurt caused when she begged her own mother, without success, to do the same thirty years earlier. The overprotective father who showers his young son with affection, never allowing him the space to make mistakes, because his own father’s hands-off parenting style left him feeling as though his life lacked purpose and direction. The adult daughter who spends years perfecting her biscuit recipe, hoping to finally earn her mother’s stamp of approval.
Despite our best efforts, actions in the present cannot change the past. It’s a simple mathematical impossibility The past precedes the present. It has already happened. Already shaped us. Try as we might, there are no “do-overs.” No, “I’ll fix it next times.” That’s just the harsh reality of life. I have recently learned, however, that while we cannot alter history, we can maximize our present and redirect our future.
Last year, about six months before I had my surgery, I went to Las Vegas, NV with my family. At that time, my health – for a 29 year old – was in disarray. I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and sleep apnea. Walking more than a block or two caused lower back pain. I had a family history of heart disease. My grandfather had died of a heart attack in his 60s. My father had quadruple bypass in his 50s. And my older brother had died of a heart attack at a very young age. There was no question about where my choices and behavior were taking me. Despite this, if you asked me then, I would have told you that I was fine and that everything was under control. That was a lie. I feared going to the doctor because I was scared that she might tell me I was diabetic. For me, that was my threshold. I could have a dangerous family history of heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and sleep apnea, but NOT diabetes. In my food addicted mind, diabetes meant I was REALLY out of control.
So, I attempted to experience Las Vegas as best my rotund frame would allow me. I went to the pool. Ate large meals in world-class restaurants. Squeezed into theater seats. I thought I had thoroughly enjoyed myself. But the truth was, I had not. I spent the time at the pool covered in clothes, spent time in restaurants adding to my problem, and spent time in seats so uncomfortable that I couldn’t enjoy the show.
This past weekend, however, everything was different. My family and I returned to Las Vegas and all I can say is that a 110 lb weight loss makes a HUGE difference, both literally and figuratively. I still went to the pool, but this time, not embarrassed by my appearance. Still went to world-class restaurants, but this time made healthy choices. Sat in the same small theater seat, but this time had enough room to cross my legs. (YES, cross my legs!). Turns out, the seat…not so small. My butt…quite big. LOL!
Ultimately, I cannot get back the time I lost when I was hampered by my size. No more than the woman can erase the hurt she suffered when her mother refused to take her to ballet dance lessons thirty years earlier. But, what I can do is change the way that I live today, so that I can make my future outshine my past. I can choose to live.
